A clueless clue

I figured it's about time I dedicated a post in honour of the name of my blog. In true clueless fashion, here we go.

In alignment with graduation season, I’ve been taking some time to reflect on the transitionary period that has been the past few months.

Having wrapped up my undergraduate degree with online exams in late November last year (rather underwhelmingly might I add), it’s been a blissful time without the academic stress and pressure. Finally making a dent in the list of things I wanted to do now that “I don’t have time” is no longer an excuse feels like I am truly getting to live life.

Despite all that, I have been feeling uninspired lately. Perhaps in the rush of life that is passing by I do not seem to feel like I have found a place or direction for myself. It’s been feeling like I am living in a bubble of “my life is so good”, which it undoubtedly is, and “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life”. The stagnation is not unlike what the economy is experiencing, and the frustrating part is I genuinely have no clue what is happening - both in the economy and inside my mind. But as we’ve been told countless times, history tends to repeat itself. This is not foreign territory and we have navigated times of stagnation before, so we can do it again. I, too, can navigate through this fog in front of me.

That being said, I’ve been finding comfort in just being present and going through this transitionary period. It feels like the period of time where I have the most power in determining where I take myself in the next years to come. Life is full of contrasts that help bring out the best of us. We have to go through uncertainty to gain clarity, we have to go through rough patches to know when life is good, and we have to sample through things we dislike to know what we like in contrast. To overcome anything, we have to get through it rather than avoid it.

A consistently nagging feeling I’ve been experiencing is that I have not been making progress as a person. What I’ve come to realise is that progress is slow, and progress is multi-dimensional. In my years as a student, I have solely defined my self-development in terms of my grades, co-curricular and subsequently my career prospect. It wasn’t until starting work full-time that I realised, what I took away from uni was more than what we're taught in the lecture rooms. It was the skillset that you build for yourself when undertaking various roles, as a student, a student club member, and just as a human being. It’s learning how to learn, developing your intuitions, disciplining yourself, and picking yourself back up when the time calls. These are very valuable skills that I hadn’t realised I have gained until I looked back in hindsight. Thus, the reason why I say progress is slow as it often can’t be seen on a daily level. Now that I have my weeknights and weekends free of studying, I have also tapped into my hobbies that have had to take a back seat throughout uni. There is progress there too, in becoming a more well-rounded person and enhancing the quality of your life through different avenues of fulfilment. Hence I say, progress is multi-dimensional. So to this nagging feeling of mine, I want to say progress is often not what you think it will look like, but you will have made progress in some way, shape or form if you keep getting at it.

On the topic of not knowing where I am headed, I wonder how many people actually do. Not that it matters, but perhaps there is no path you are supposed to be on more than the one you are on now. I’ve recently heard the concept of “Ready, Fire, Aim” and it resonated with me quite a lot. You prepare for something, fire first, then adjust your aim after you have fired and know the trajectory. If it were to aim then fire, I wonder how many fewer shots we’d be firing? I guess life is a trial and error, and there is no certain place you have to be, or thing to do, by a certain age. If we would focus less on the destination, and more on the journey, perhaps life would be more enjoyable? I don’t know, and I invite your introspections on this.

To wrap up this post, I just want to say that I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not sure I will have them anytime soon. When I speak to people going through something similar, I wish I could say more than “I understand what you’re feeling, and I know you will work through it”, because this grey period is personal, and we have the power to decide how we want to paint it. Only we do, and no one else.

C xx