I remember in high school I once told a friend of mine that “I have never felt extremely happy nor extremely sad.” The palette of emotions that I experienced felt grey at most, nothing deep enough to feel the extremities. Now that high school is a distant memory, I am beginning to see the palette in more completeness.
In the pursuit of ‘my ideal life', I have realised that freedom comes with a premium price tag. With every new stage in life, you realise that your horizons are greater. There are higher highs to be experienced as you are no longer held back by certain limitations you were before. But the lows are also lower. You realise the world may be different than you imagined – as you see more of the world, it's harder to remain ignorant. Amongst the everyday struggles, you come to understand a lot more things you couldn't at earlier stages in life, which becomes the catalyst of your highs and lows.
If happiness is just our psychological expectations being met or exceeded, then it makes sense that once you progress to different stages of life, your highs and lows will meet new extremes. You realise the things you once wished for are all attainable. That makes you happy. On the flip side you also realise that outside of the bubble you have been living in, the world is a lot different to you expected. That makes you sad. Sure, there are glamourous parts, but that almost always guarantees a not-so-glamourous part. The two complement each other – the natural yin and yang of life. I find comfort in the fact that while the highs are fleeting, the lows do not last forever either.
Some days I feel so deeply grateful for what my life has come to be. I still find it hard to believe at times that I am living the life I pictured (and didn't dare to picture) when I was younger. I look out the window of my current apartment to see the sun enveloping the city with a warm hug before the city lights up for the night, every night. It truly makes me so so in love with life itself. With all that I have been granted, how could I not be grateful? Yet some days I am so sad and confused. I get teary-eyed thinking about how good my friends are to me, how much my parents have worked for me to be here, how my mentors have guided me and how I wouldn't be where I am without all of this love and support, but I am now a few thousand kilometres away from it all. In pursuit of my career, perceived freedom and a fresh start – is it all worth it?
Although I know there is no point in contemplating that question, I can't help but feel trapped by it sometimes. I am both enthralled and anxious, but I know I will give it my best shot and live a life that I am proud of as that is the only way to make all these sacrifices worthwhile.
I will sign off by sharing an excerpt of a letter I wrote to myself, in which I have found comfort in lately.
I am immensely excited for my (early) twenties as they feel like the most revolutionary years anyone could get. I hereby strongly encourage my future self to work that little bit harder, try for a little bit longer, laugh a little louder, be a little kinder and do a little better in everything. Cumulatively, the effects will be seen in multiples. I hope that I’ll turn any dissatisfaction I have into a work-in-progress, then eventually an accomplishment. I believe in you, you can do anything you put your mind to.
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